Saturday, November 14, 2009

Please Read?

Chapter One


The white, warm sand rubbing against my body soothingly. The colorful palm trees is all the rave. Crisp, clear refreshing ocean tumbling into the beach with great determination. All you see is beautiful people wearing nothing but beautiful bathing suits which they probably spent hours and hours trying to find, to get something spectacular. I look back and see this magnificent hotel complex and all of the amenities I could possibly think of. The cool ocean breeze flows over my body while the sun beams light to give me a wonderful free tan. A perfect bronze with a hint of red which will hopefully turn to tan later. A nice refreshing glass of cola filled to the brim with crushed ice and of course the cool sun umbrella. This is so relaxing and wonderful. This is the life. Nothing can wreck this perfect moment. Wait, this is to good to be true.


ARG.


ARG.


ARG.


ARG.


I knew it! I knew it! It was just a dream again! I can't believe I had that dream again. This is unbelievable. This is the third time this week that I've had this dream and I want it to come true. Too bad I'll never be able to go on vacation.


Well it's six o clock. Sorry for all of that fuss but I am just so sick of having that dream. I quickly hop into the shower and wonder whether I will ever get to experience what I experience in my dream. I mean everything is so calm and peaceful I just can't understand why I keep on having that dream. Everything is so perfect, there has to be more to that dream than that. Maybe tonight it will be extended so I can see what's happening. It's probably a sign. Maybe, no never mind. I put some bread in the toaster, I'm still half asleep but I have to hurry up so I can catch the carpool with Jacob. Every other day or so we switch drivers so that we use up less gas. Jacob is totally my best friend in the whole world and I hope he will always be. We are always there for each other when one of us needs a helping hand. I grab my toast, spread some peanut butter on it and head out the door to make my way down to the parking lot where I wait for Jacob to show up. He's a little tardy, sometimes more than others but that's just who he is and as best friends, we have to live with each others annoyances. A few minutes later I see Jacob running out of the building like there was a huge fire in the building. I quickly look up out of habit but see that Jacob just wanted to hurry to the car because we are a couple of minutes late and usually with traffic, a couple here adds ten somewhere else.

Please Read?
Sounds interesting to me , you seem to be a writer with promise ; keep on keeping on !


:0)
Reply:that sounds awesome
Reply:Start by having some kind of inner conflict about not being able to go on vacation like other people. It'll seem more realistic than the rather mundane 'dream scenario' which many people use and which is cliched. If your character is angry at not being able to go on holiday, it'll hook your reader more than a typical opening. Maybe it'll lead to something like Jacob stopping you from fulfilling your dream of a perfect holiday because he can't meet deadlines. For example, maybe you win your dream holiday (for you and a buddy - Jacob), but miss the chance because he's always late.





Hope this helps.
Reply:Horrible. Why are there so many adverbs and adjectives? Each one weakens your story more.
Reply:As a published poet myself, I don't recommend posting your writings here. Make sure you copyright it first under your name, so other people don't steal it.
Reply:I hope you have a very tough skin, if not I suggest you do not post your writings for critique. I do agree with a previous answer, too many adverbs and adjectives. You can make a dream sequence appear dreamlike without as many. The "awake" part of the story is confusing, you are mixing singular tense with plural. The punctuation needs work and the grammar should fit the story. Without more information to the plot I have no idea where you are heading with this.





Now, with all that said, I add a hearty Bravo! You are writing which is much more than most people these days. Please continue, infuse your writing with passion and continue your pursuit of a very noble art.

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