Saturday, November 14, 2009

Please help with a poem.?

“Oh, don’t let the moon get you down.


That peculiar moon just knows how to frown.


a bit too red;


yet, it never made it brighter than the sun.”


They’d tell each other under nerved winds,


knowing the moon will always bend by.





On an ocean they fetched some rain,


broken from the atmosphere with nowhere to go.


They tied the starlight to their fingertips


so they didn’t forget they were never alone.





Asteroids caught a haunted glimpse


of hand in hand loving and entranced lips.


“Wink your frills, keep your nails off me,”


he bellowed a murmur in the salt-soaked breeze.





He was drowning, but he kept him from dead,


comfort in the pull of his tide.


He whispered promises that went unsaid,


but still, he had the most beautiful eyes.





The morning brought time for the dust to subside.


They cast out the midnight with fishing line.


They’re loving the crows painting the sky


and the palm trees were feigning Halloween smiles.





His hands crept calmly, those placid moonbeams


to let go of goodbyes that were ripped at the seams.


He just kept to his reverie- sheltered remains


of a seaside society a bit less than sane.





Sailors were swallowed in the maelstrom those nights.


In these parts, you see, hurricanes aren’t polite.


He’d just take his umbrella and climb to the sun.


The bubbles redeem a motorboat hum.





That afterward calm harbored no hope.


In driftwood and shipwreck, the air turned to smoke.


The midnight was a fish tale.

Please help with a poem.?
Specifics: you start out with a quote...are you quoting a specific poem/song? If so, you need to create new line breaks so it fits with the pattern you use in later stanzas. Your rhyme is inconsistant..did you mean to rhyme in a specific pattern or did you mean "not" to rhyme and some of the words accidentally do so? If the latter is the case, then it's okay, you just need to take a look at some of them because they look a bit forced...for example, the lines about "moonbeams" and "seams" seems a little contrived. In fact, the latter stanzas appear to be rhymed couplets, which is very different than the stanza that came before and actually sound awkward because of the rhymes...and the last three lines are...well, in serious need of editing.





You have some good images in there, but there are a number of them that don't really fit or are worded in a way that they don't fit like they should. I'd suggest you let the poem sit for a few days or a week, then come back to it and have someone read it out loud to you. You'll hear things that you can't hear right now and you'll probably cringe at some of the lines...which is a good thing, it means that your ear is functioning and your poetic instincts are still intact. Edit as necessary, and post it again.





...keep writing


No comments:

Post a Comment