Funny quotes!! Truer words never spoken!! Not so much of a question, as a request?? 2?

Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. --Will Rogers





If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. --Katherine Hepburn





Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give someone a second chance. --Lady Selborne





Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. --Anthony Burgess





It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance. --Ronald Reagan





Death is the most convenient time to tax rich people. --David Lloyd George





Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. --Groucho Marx





"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ---Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM (1943)





"My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'--no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner





"We all live in the twentieth century. Well, I don't live in the twentieth century. --Dan Quayle





"Ron White was not one of the very first original members of the Motown staff, but eventually he was." --Smokey Robinson





"I'm for a stronger death penalty." --President George Bush





"Some people think football is a matter of life and death...I can assure them it is much more serious than that." --Bill Shankly





"Those beelhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room." --Henny Youngman





"I could come back to America..to die..but never, never to live." --Henry James





"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." --Ross MacDonald





"The French will only be united under the threat of danger. Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese." --Charles de Gaulle





Hollywood: "A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors." --Walter Winchell





"Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees." --Joe Frisco





"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the pricipal one was that they escaped teething." --Mark Twain





"Met a guy this morning with a glass eye. He didn't tell me-it just came out in the conversation." --Jerry Dennis





On opening a new annex at Vancouver City Hall: "I declare this thing open - whatever it is." --Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh





"It usually takes me more than 3 weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." --Mark Twain





"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." --Fred Allen





"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." --Margaret Thatcher





"I can resist everything except temptation." --Oscar Wilde





"Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt." --Frank McKinney Hubbard





"My wife is a light eater; as soon as it's light, she starts eating." --Henny Youngman





The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. --Helen Rowland





It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all. --Georges Courteline





The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they're attractive it will updet my players and if they're not it will upset me. --Thomas Beecham





Writing to a magzine that had published his obituary: I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. --Rudyard Kipling





If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. --Wilson Misner





No self-respecting fish would be wrapped ina Murdoch newspaper. --Mike Royko





The play was a total success but the audience was a total failure. --Oscar Wilde





A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Sam Goldwyn





Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. --Billy Wilder (attrib.)





You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. --Michael Wilding





It's amazing how many people see you on TV. I did my first television show a month ago and the next day five million televison sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.


--Bob Hope





Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. --Ernie Kovacs





If a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's twenty-four, she may be lucky. --Deborah Kerr





She doesn't not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought World War Eleven. --Joan Rivers





High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. --Christopher Morley





Women's styles may change but their designs remain the same. --Oscar Wilde





An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie





Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. --Phyllis Diller





When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead. --Judith Viorst





Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --Oscar Wilde





It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. --Phil White





"You'll never know until you try it" works pretty well for most unknowns, but "I wonder if it hurts to saw off the tip of my tongue?" is probably not one of them. --Doug Rendall





We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. --W.H. Auden





If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. --Lyndon Baines Johnson





I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. --Clarence Darrow





Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --Susan Ertz





A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain





Life was a lot simpler when we honored father and mother rather than all the major credit cards. --Robert Orben





"Whenever I watch tv and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, i would love to be that skinny, but not with all those flies and death and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey





"I haven't commited a crime, what I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.





"Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign.





"Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

Funny quotes!! Truer words never spoken!! Not so much of a question, as a request?? 2?
Gezzz....are you "bloody bored" or what? LOL
Reply:Enjoyed that, some good ones there.
Reply:Thank you!!
Reply:I love any quote by Dorothy Parker
Reply:I do like my Quotes and Quips...
Reply:www.brainyquotes.com have loads of them. I love looking at them.