Passage of a story I wrote myself, please comment?

This is what I always do I like sending passages of stories I write and ask you to rate them!





Keeley whisked around looking in every pine bush to large boulder. The rain falling at a heavy rate, this jungle like anything she has ever seen.


[keeley]- usually I am fine when it comes to finding things lost in the woods by Barney Darnes' watch is worth lots and he promised me something really wonderful. How can he lose something in Burberry Forest?





She looked around and came to a clearing in the forest. The grass a luchious green colour, all even and no mud spots. Not a single leaf on the ground. Like a old guy sweeped it all up every second. A large Umbrella Thorn Tree stood in the middle. Hang on, didn't she cross a clearing like this before with a leafless tree? She wondered up a carving in the thick bark became clear:


AFRICA


[keeley]- africa? What the hell does that mean, wait! An Umbrella Thorn Tree can only grow in africa. But we're in Crucifix island! From Trees of wonder

Passage of a story I wrote myself, please comment?
It needs some revisions, but has great potential.








You don't have conversation set up the right way.





You also need to use "an" in front of words that start with vowels. Watch your past tense words! "Like AN old guy swept it all up every second."





You do need to combine some of those sentences.





"The grass was such a luscious green that appeared to be even without mud spots. Not a single leaf touched the ground, almost as if an old man swept it up every second."








If you need more help, e-mail me!
Reply:Not bad, but having once been an editor, you should at least use spell check, but that's the perfectionist in me!
Reply:i dnt get this bit ........ this jungle like anything she has ever seen


change it and then re post sorry if it makes sense it may jst be me bein weird
Reply:Wow! Great writing :) Sounds like a lot of potential for this story. 9 out of 10 :D
Reply:Keeley whisked around looking everywhere from the smallest pine bush to the largest boulder. The rain was falling at a heavy rate, this jungle was like nothing she had ever seen before.





"Usually I'm fine when it comes to finding things lost in the woods, but Barney Darnes' watch is worth a lot and he promised me something really wonderful if I found it" thought Keeley.


"How can he lose something in Burberry Forest?"





She looked around and came to a clearing in the forest. The grass was a luscious green colour, all even and no mud spots. Not a single leaf on the ground. Like an old guy had swept it all up every second. A large Umbrella Thorn Tree stood in the middle. Hang on, didn't she cross a clearing like this before with a leafless tree? Suddenly, a carving in the thick bark became clear:





AFRICA





Africa? What the hell does that mean, wait! An Umbrella Thorn Tree can only grow in Africa. But we're in Crucifix Island! From Trees of wonder
Reply:This is an amzing passage. I like writing myself and this is beautiful. You really did a good job. You are very good at describing. You should keep writing. You can go far in life.
Reply:Keep it up ,,Very interesting,,,
Reply:It's pretty decent. There are some spelling and grammatical errors here and there. I think you should rephrase some of the sentences, like the first one. In stead of what you have, maybe you could put something like 'Keeley whisked around looking behind everything from pine bushes to large boulders, all the while enduring the heavy rainfall.' By joining some sentences together, you allow the story to flow easier. Maybe add a few more adjectives to allow the reader to really "see" what's going on; but no too many! Check for typos - there are quite a few. All in all, I think it's interesting.
Reply:Has promise, but as it is, not well written at all.





For one, you need to choose a tense and stick with it. You start with third person past tense and jump to first person present tense. It sounds like you're trying to format thoughts. If that's the case, the format is: Blahblahblah, Bob thought, blah.





Watch your sentence constructions, too. You have many run-on sentences and other sentences constructed so that you can't tell what's going on, such as the thoughts that are going through Keeley's head in the first part of the story.





Read lots of books and watch how published authors do it. You won't win any points by formatting your writing so that it's a headache to read. If you really like to write, keep practicing, read a lot, and always try to get better.





Good luck!
Reply:I know a lot of people don't like being picked up on their English, but I'm afraid that if you are intending to write passages for people to read, then you standard will need to improve. I found it difficult to read, as your punctuation and sentence structure distracted me from the story. Please do keep trying.
Reply:Lots of good imagination peeks out of this 'passage.'


Otherwise, you need to rewrite, paying close attention to grammar, spelling and the flow of information.





As it is, information is given in a pretty confusing manner, and the problems with grammar and spelling don't help.





Still, because of your 'different' kind of imagery and metaphors, I really hope you continue to work on this story.





Perhaps a trusted friend, teacher or mentor can help you with the 'nuts and bolts' of writing... the parts that make it easy and fun to read.


Keep working on it; it's refreshing.
Reply:Not a leaf on the ground, like an old man swept it up continually. You know you are not in grammar heaven, right? This part leapt out at me, it is a wonderful visual. It made me see exactly what you meant!

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